How To Be a Pirate Wench

While your pirate heaves ho, you’ll be heaving your bosom. Here are a few tips on how to let your inner wench seize the day:

1. Display Your Assets. When it comes to your treasure, don’t bury it out of sight. Instead, display and accentuate. Even if your bosom is already plentiful, wear a Wonderbra anyway. Got a big booty? Wear something that clings to it. When dressing like a wench, there’s no such thing as too much.
2. Away with the Bodice. Your shirt’s not going to be hung on a hanger, wench. With any luck, it’ll be ripped off in a hurry, so wear clothing that will add to the drama. Nothing like a few buttons popping off or fabric ripping to fuel your pirate’s fire. A true wench will have some back-up basics with her so that she’ll have something to wear once her timbers have shivered.
3. She’s Mighty Mighty. “She knows she’s got everything/That a woman needs to love a man…She knows she’s built/And knows how to please./Sho’ nuf can knock a strong man to his knees.” These lyrics from “Brickhouse” by Lionel Richie and the Commodores capture the mood you’re going for exactly! That’s YOU we’re talking about and it ain’t gonna happen unless you believe it first. Once your pirate is on his knees, you should know what to do.
4. Swagger. The right pair of footwear can do most of the work for you when it comes to swagger. Wear something on your feet that make you feel sexy and then let those hips sway (think of your walk as a warm-up, of sorts). You might not have an ocean that needs mastering, but if you perfect your swagger, you’ll find something else to master (that’s a promise). If you totter in a shoe, go for a boot instead. Bonus points for straps, rings and laces.
5. A Three-Day Blow. Brush up on your pirate lingo as bawdy punning with your buccaneer is part of the game. Avast—"stand and give attention"—is one of my personal favorites. No need for subtlety here. If you know only one word of pirate speak, “aye” is a good one. And I haven’t met a pirate yet that doesn’t like being called “Cap’n.”

Remember lasses, don’t get too focused on the clothes…..they’ll be coming off soon. The true mark of a wench is a woman who is unafraid of her own sensuality. This is God’s gift to you, and remember that YOU are God’s gift to pirates.